This is a shot of Blackrock Castle which now houses an observatory for the astronomy students at CIT. L and I went on a walk a few days ago out here just for a change. It's been difficult to achieve a balance. We used to work compulsively but for the past year we are forcibly unemployed. We drove ourselves crazy for the first 10 months studying wildly, applying to literally hundreds of jobs, and scrambling for a new plan. I got 15 poems published, applied to the graduate programme of my dreams, and L took up piano and discovered that he is very talented. But we burned ourselves out with all our scrambling. So the last few weeks we decided to take it easy. But that made the stress even more salient. It's like we spend our time trying not to exist. We see our poverty, we feel the ache of homelessness and the discomfort of depending on others for shelter, and all the small dramas that we try to ignore become central, and we bicker. It's desperation. 40 percent of the city is unemployed. We don't have enough to sustain us and that feeling of not enough is exhausting. Aging. We wonder if we should have stayed in America, but all wondering does is remind us that there is no one to tell us what we should do now. What we can do, we realised this morning, is give ourselves some kind of plan. Balance work and play and be strict. Go on small adventures. And to remember love brought us here and love will see us through. And ask the gods to let us win the lottery today.
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